How often does someone ask if you are really ok after you have had a baby? Probably not very often and as the months go on probably hardly ever. Then when someone does ask, do you really give them the honest answer or just the general ‘yeh I’m good thanks, how about you?’ because that’s what I normally do. When really the answer should be ‘well actually I am doing really well thank you, but if I am honest I really struggle some days because of the lack of sleep and then those days get on top of you and it can actually be really hard’. Then again, talking about how parenting is hard is something not many people like to do.
I’ve decided I’m not that person.
I’m not going to lie, when Finley went through the 5 to 6 month age I really struggled and I still do some days, who doesn’t? In most ways things got so much easier, but the sleep deprivation caught up with me and it had a snowball effect (I can see now why it’s used as a form of torture). Finley is such a happy and content baby and is so easy to look after. We are out most days doing different things, which is what has kept me sane – and awake. However, his sleep has not been great and I have found it completely exhausting dealing with it on my own. Another subject that no one likes to talk about because if your baby doesn’t sleep well, then apparently they aren’t a good baby (or so people like to tell you).
Biggest load of crap. Ever.
With all this and few other things going on blogging went swiftly out the window, me time has been non existent and my motivation to do anything other than look after Finley has been at an all time low. I have been putting all my energy, time and motivation into looking after him, that there has been none left for me. This is where I feel there is a very fine line. I will always put Finley first and do everything I can to make sure he is looked after and has the best childhood I could possibly offer him, but at the same time I can only be the best mum to him if I am looking after myself too.
Basically something has to change because I can only run on empty for so long and quite frankly I’ve had a tits full. Sleep deprivation is making me feel like a shell of myself and it’s just not for me. It’s not the person or mum I want to be, so change is the only way forward.
This post isn’t for sympathy, but more of an opportunity for me to get everything down on paper so to speak and also just a reminder that it’s ok to admit that you are not ok some days. It’s really highlighted to me that we need to be more honest with ourselves, friends and family and on social media and that we need to check in with other mums no matter how old their babies might be; from 8 days to 8 years (they will always be our babies).
It’s really odd to be back posting on here and I have been faffing about for ages trying to decide whether to even bother. For the most part I have been thinking why bother, but then it’s still constantly nagging at me, so I’m guessing that’s a sign that deep down I should carry on. When I sit and think about why I can’t be bothered it’s always because of time or should I say the lack of time. That won’t always be the case and neither will the continuous sleep deprivation, but I don’t want to look back and regret not doing something, so I’ll give it a go and see how I get on.
So basically, I wasn’t ok, but I’m getting there now or at least I will do once I’ve made some changes. Moving forward I will be giving blogging another go, I will be putting time into my exciting project and most importantly I will be looking after me, so that I can continue to have fun with my gorgeous little boy and be the best mum to him that I can possibly be.
Have you ever felt like this before? I would love to hear your experience, so please leave me a comment below. What did you change or if you are feeling this way what would you like to change?
*Coat and top were gifted as part of a previous campaign with Matalan*
I really struggled during the first year and it was hard to admit, especially as (ironically!) mine slept through from eight weeks so I wasn’t even dealing with sleep deprivation. But that was hard too as all people seemed to do at baby groups was moan about how little sleep they’d had so I never dared moan myself. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression though at 4 weeks and we did really struggle for quite a while as we had no support around and no support from Health Visitors as there had been so many cuts. With hindsight I wish we’d put our baby in nursery for a couple of half days a week from early on as that break from her would have helped immensely with taking the pressure off instead of waiting until 12 months when I went back to work. Or that I’d gone back to work earlier – everything got a lot better once I was back at work!